You didn't tell me you were ill

Do not use this medication if:-

1. You suffer from a wonky gyroscope.
2. Your nocturnal menagerie is coeval with a gaucho.
3. Time eddies your sole sandwich.
4. You have been lucubrating Layamon's Brut.
5. The missionary position has let you down three times in a month.
6. You have incurred a punctured rodomontade.
7. Wise men have soiled your virgin mind.
8. Everybody you know wears Converse trainers.
9. You have a drawerfull of rampant philately.
10. Sal Coaxial has your number.
11. Monkeys dethroat your penumbrae.
12. A wall is a challenge to you.
13. Traffic tantalises the nation you love with excess.
14. Fulfilled quests breach your lucky pelt.
15. Solipsism is a word you use in conversation.
16. You are allergic to dice. You never wanted to be but you are, your mouth goes dry, you swoon, your feet are bound to leave the floor, and you will exact the final disaster of the cummerbund.
17. Twisted shinbones exact their revenge on you perniciously.
18. Your genitals are less than 90%.
19. Soup is your secret location.
20. No no no you must not preamble.
21. Oh your intake of bowly porridge has forced you to resign.

Or the possible side effects could be:-

1. Islanders will enact gleeful deposits spitefully ha.
2. Chiasmi.
3. Lawn vestiges will triple in value.
4. You know that old guy who sings tra-la-la? Well he'll fuckin find you and merge you with the pavement, you know? You don't wanna mess with this kinda shit Benno, you dig? Look, don't give me no shit, it's my fuckin neck on the line too. You and your fuckin swamp dreams didn't get you nowhere yeah? Just listen to me you cocky little cunt or I'll fuckin powder you into perineum myself, okay?
5. Every friend you've ever had will appear in a room with you at once, and attack!
6. Sausages will have their day in the sun.
7. Correlations will occur concurrently with callous cacchinations of calumnious cohorts like in oh calcutta or kid kakuro or chevy chase.
8. Your own personal-tsu-nami.
9. Stringencies at the bank mean they will have to let you go.
10. Sal Coaxial will lose your number, but it will end up in the hands of Cab Coaxial, his dimyarian older brother.
11. It's Pallas Athene time! It's Pallas Athene time! Yip yap, shut your trap, it's Pallas Athene time!
12. Fabric will twill willy-nilly, swilling really the cognoscenti on trysts to Scilly.
13. Jumbo jets will fly right up your drooping arse, along your delicate, beautiful and most interesting alimentary canal, walled with most delightfully chosen images and tasteful patterns, and then right out your gaping facking gob.
14. Your wellmeant attentions to Lord Bianco will redound.
15. Shoulders will disappear from the earth FOREVER!
16. The social roles and reception of classical and pop music will reverse! Simone Deathrattle on TOTPs, Christian Aquavitae at the Proms. The lambada.
17. Parumph!
18. Twenty diurnal mictural vacations will ignite urethrae far and wide.
19. Your whole life was a search for meaning, and in the end you realised the meaning was the searching. And you felt cheated.

How to dry quickly after a hot bath

1. Enamel the proboscis.
2. Vengeance for the infidels.
3. A cupboard full of beans is not a cornucopia.
4. Bill Pertwee really exists.
5. For the umpteenth time I am not an assassin.
6. Could you make love to me with your eyes open, please?
7. He will deny it for mere shekels.
8. Twelve hands-in-pockets American heroes.
9. Towel my inbreds.
10. The desire for farms inscribes death on the eyeball.
11. Carefully forfend, for Omar Sharif is barely an Inuit.
12. Treacle sponge and a Mercator projection.
13. In the future, tennis will be banned in space.
14. Why must your neglect spoil every birthday?
15. I am afraid your genitals remain unclean.
16. And a pertinacious sod he was at that.
17. Hieratic, lissom and playful.
18. My devotion to you is greater than Optical Character Recognition.
19. Want tenure and/or a grant.
20. Silas dreams of sleeping until the evening.
21. You snag, you utter snag!
22. Humanity delights only in ice cream and its variants.
23. Slow air and soft balconies, shhhhhh...

Half an interview

a- The first was with a Caramac. Of course, you will respond!
a- Unbelievable posture.
a- Terminally. Chronic and profuse.
a- A movement away from, I guess. Will that do?
a- I would consider that to be the duodenum. These questions are rather personal and strange, no?
a- Yes, I am blind. In my ways, as you.
a- My interest in politics is desultory, which shames me. But then again I couldn't give a shit. I have but one life to play with.
a- Twice in America and once in Jebel Ali. It is surprising what can be achieved with a little teamwork.
a- I would think Mahatma Gandhi would have to be the number one at the moment. At the moment; these things are really very ephemeral.
a- Really. A whole one? I could believe it.
a- In youth, or sub-youth, my energies enabled such acts!
a- I don't think he meant it, but I wouldn't like to comment decisively. I hate this whole situation.
a- Yes you are.
a- Some people are more persuadable than others. Some people's mothers and so on, ha ha ha!
a- Propinquity, what has just recently been through my radius. Does that make me seem boring? I think all pretence to a 'universal' response and manner would be equally reprehensible.
a- Forget it.
a- Tough question, what are your motives in asking?
a- Well I won't either. Your agenda should not be so clear.
a- This is not a test! Simon Bolivar?
a- A merkin?
a- Your idea of fun is not the same as mine.
a- Yes.
a- Of course, it was a time where wonderful things happened. Everybody was so prone, it was amazing. Life was fluid, opportunity was constant. It lasted as long as we remained self-justifying. Once we let the bottom-feeders spout credibly, we were defeated. We died and became carrion. Carry on...
a- It has not been mine.

questions

1. how is satire optimistic?
2. what are the upsides of rules?
3. how many miles did he walk before he shut up?
4. the distinction between knowledge and wisdom?
5. clarity of typefaces?
6. role of hormones?
7. is there a better topic than impotence? flaccidity?
8. is dali toooo prescriptive? magritte too thin?
9. have you ever thought why it's called bonjela? ribena? vimto anagram of vomit? who thought of umbongo? did they do it in birmingham like every other great advance in human creativity? what was wrong with marathon and opal fruits? can you still get that bubble bath that was shaped like a captain?
10. what colour clothes do you wear most comfortably?
11. do you occasionally spell words the US English way, and then correct yourself?
12. ever force yourself to go out when you could just as easily not?
13. think of yourself as a spectator at your own meals?
14. think of sexual adventures with total strangers and family? their genitals so barely concealed by that thin material? how many cocks and cunts in the room you're in now?
15. prepare for apocalypse?
16. hate your own excretion? deny it?
17. get broody seeing baby shoes?
18. about pushing?
19. what would you do if there was no resistance to your desires?
20. do you think you're a stupid fucking tosspot, but lovable if only people would tell you?
21. animals?